Hello there my lovely anonymous eyes, how has it been since the last time? Yeah, me too, which is why I stopped writing completely for a long time.
Even now, I have a huge hesitation to say anything, even though my chest is filled with words wanting to come out.
You would think, that with a life like mine, where the lows are consistently more present than the highs, that’s there’s nothing left to faze me. But this year has proven me wrong over and over again. I have lost so much this year, my career, my vehicle, my savings, relationships that I thought would last forever, all gone in a snap. Hell, even my long hair is currently gone. Next to my career, my hair is probably the most scarring thing I lost, but it’s almost long enough to lay flat without sticking straight up, so I’ll be back to a ponytail soon enough.
So, yes, I lost A LOT this year, but I also have gained some pretty monumental things as well. Last year in the last quarter of the year, I had realized how overworked I was, and how miserable I had become, so I decided that this current year, I would do (1) new thing a month. I wasn’t expecting January’s thing to be “Get Laid off and Sign a NDA”, but that day, which was one of the hardest days of the year ended up being the start of time I will always cherish - losing my career gave me back an average of SEVEN hours a day with my son. SEVEN. That’s ridiculous, and I’m ashamed of much my old work took over my life.
I also got to go to Hawaii for one of my favorite human’s wedding, which is hands down the coolest vacation I’ve ever been on, and I hope I can visit again for longer one day. And, of course, I have a new job. The people are good people, the pay is adequate, and I’m good at what I’m doing. I don’t have the deep connection with anyone like I did at the last place, and I honestly hate the dress code, but last Thursday was our holiday team building event and I had a realization. Zooming around in a race cart of all places, lol.
I have chased after my dream job, and I achieved it. It was work though, building a dream, and when I injured myself, I was very lucky to land on my feet and fall into something I love surrounded by people I love. But you know, trauma-bonding at work due to stress has its own downsides.
Now, I have a boring, “casual Friday where I can wear jeans” is the highlight of my work week job, with my name on a card next to the door of my office, but there’s no personal fulfillment happening there. Where it IS happening though, is at my nonprofit events, and in my living room with my son, doing crafts with my hands again, and at the dinner tables with friends. Tonight before bed, my son asked me what my dream job is, and I started listing off perks I want.
He interrupted, asking me what I wanted to be doing, and I told him what I realized going around the course last week, I don’t care about what I’m doing for work anymore, what I care about is what I can do outside of work because if it. I don’t have a “dream job” anymore, I have a “dream life” that I am working very hard to make a reality. My kid will be going off to college in 3.5 years and then it’s just me and the dogs, I don’t want to only have work to fall into.
While losing relationships this year, most of them for the better, and the one that I hope is temporary while they heal; I had to step out of my comfort zone and ask for what I want in building new relationships. A lot of my friendships have existed most of my life, which on the one hand is reassuring, but on the other, I never really know if they like me or feel like they’re stuck with me (which turns into massive spirals of doom when they collectively decide that my messed up existence is the perfect place to turn their anger on so they can maintain the relationships that seem to matter more to them).
SO becoming good friends with someone I socially knew before this year hit but not on any sort of real level hits differently. It’s also super weird having someone in my life who doesn’t know anything about me that’s from longer than the last couple of years and having to try to figure out how to TL,DR back stories. Which, if you look around here… not my strongest suit. lol
Another win, but one that started last year, then I lost with my job and had to restart, is getting my mental health in check, for reals. All diagnosis’s, none being ignored, all being closely monitored for changes good AND bad, and taking my meds, even when I don’t want to. Still an insomniac though, and the meds I’m supposed to take to lull me to sleep gives me sleeping dreams, and I am NOT a fan of that so we’re still looking into a solution. (Or I stay an insomniac and use it as my superpower)
I guess, all of this is to say that despite everything, my cheerful stubbornness is still intact, and a few bruises aren’t going to keep me down. I’m choosing to believe that the intense grief I have experienced is just so I am that more grateful for the joy when it hits. I have a few different cliches I repeat as my mop bucket deep pearls of wisdom, and roller coasters is my go to for life. The past year has been lots of loop de loops and stomach drops, so it’s about time for some smooth passes with pretty scenery. Maybe even with someone holding my hand. (Now that I’ve said that part I’ve instantly cursed it and nothing good will happen with it, oh well, it’s sort of my MO anyways)
I guess this is all I have for now, with no promises on when the next time will be, except that there will be a next time.
